Why, when speaking to the sons of Yaakov, does Chamor place the action on them (Bnei Yaakov) - "Your daughters you will give to us...", whereas when (together with his son) he spoke to the people of Shechem (34:21), they placed the action on them "We will give our daughters... "?
Rashi (to 34:16): In order to give honor to the ones to whom he was speaking, thereby encouraging them to agree to the suggestion. 1 (It's called diplomacy! - EC)
Ohr ha'Chayim (to 34:21): To convince Anshei Shechem that Bnei Yaakov are not scheming to take revenge, they said 'they esteem us more than themselves. They consent that we take their daughters, and we will give our daughters to them. This is why they were not angry [about Shechem's act]!'
Ha'amek Davar: They knew that Bnei Yaakov conduct differently than they do. He told them, your daughters you will give to us" - the way we conduct (with our wives). We will give our daughters [to you] for wives - like you conduct. The man heads the house; it is proper to be adamant only that he keep his tradition of conduct.
But see Gur Aryeh to 34:16; refer to 34:16:151.1:1.
Here it says, "v'Hischatenu Osanu." The Torah forbids with the words "v'Lo Sischaten Bam" (Devarim 7:3). Why does it not say here 'Banu'?
Malbim: When one instigates the marriage, this is l'Hischaten Es. When the other side instigates, and one consents, this is l'Hischaten b-. The Nochrim always instigate marriage with Yisrael.
Ha'amek Davar: They saw Yisrael as a nation isolated to itself. They said, intermarry with us, and you will be mixed with all the nations.
